Nestle calls World Water Day a made-up holiday by selfish people who just want to "live"

GENEVA, SWITZERLAND—Today, March 22nd, is World Water Day, an annual event initiated by the United Nations in 1993. Nestle, however, has put out an official statement condemning the day as something invented by "selfish, attention-seeking people" who insist on "living."

"This is a cute day, don't get me wrong," said Kölde Harte, a spokesperson for the Nestle Corporation. "It's fun when people get together, drink water, act as if it's a human right and something they are entitled to. It reminds me of St. Patrick's Day."

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"But let's call it what it is," he continued. "A stupid commercial holiday designed to give people something to do, something to distract them for a day while they die of thirst."

Harte said that the holiday has all the worst parts of other holidays, but none of the good parts. "People talk about other holidays being way too commercial. They say that commercialism and capitalism have ruined them."

"And that's great! I love to hear about that kind of thing! A true victory for commercialism, to have infiltrated the Easter market, the Valentine's market, even the Thanksgiving market from time to time," he continued. "And yet on this day, on World Water Day, people refrain from buying bottled water? From us? From the very company that sells them their own water after we take it from them??"

"I just don't understand, and I suppose I'll never understand."

At press time, the universe had played a massive karmic joke as the CEO of Nestle did a literal spit-take when he heard about the ridiculous holiday known as World Water Day.

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