Comedy·CELEBRITIES

Nation's motorcycle-driving middle-aged bachelors grapple with George Clooney 'betrayal'

Many women are mourning today as George Clooney welcomed twins with human rights lawyer Amal Clooney, but there is another group that also feels the actor has turned his back on them.
(Shutterstock / magicinfoto)

NATIONWIDE—Women everywhere are mourning today as long-single movie star George Clooney welcomed twins with high-powered international human rights lawyer Amal Clooney, but there is another group that also feels the actor has turned his back on them: middle-aged, motorcycle-driving bachelors.

"I could hit on decades-younger cocktail waitresses and still be confident it wasn't sad because I knew George was out there doing the same thing," said Harley-Davidson owner Tom McQueen, 50. "Now what am I? Sad?"

"He was a role model, for sure," said 48-year-old Arthur Irons, who leases a 2014 Harley. "I've still got a paparazzi photo of The Cloons on his hog in the 'man cave', right next to my jukebox and neon Harley clock. But knowing he's got a wife and twins, it just feels… different."

For years, Clooney's status as Hollywood's "Eternal Bachelor" was a shining light for many aging, commitment-adverse motorcycle enthusiasts.

Clooney said that marriage 'isn't something he's looking out for.' He said it.- Tom McQueen

"I watched all my siblings and buddies start families while I kept on living the 'Clooney Life', confident I could always point to Glorious George whenever they'd ask if I was going to settle down," said Irons, a manager at a Brampton-area Keg Steakhouse restaurant.

"Those conversations are going to be harder now."

"I may not have had his looks, fame, talent or any hair whatsoever, but I always sort of considered myself the George Clooney of Saskatoon," said Harley owner Doug Harper, 55.

"I bought a pig, for God's sake," said Harper, referencing Clooney's long-time potbellied pig Max.

"Now (my pig) Rex is very ill. When I saw that George was marrying Amal, I thought to myself, 'am I just a middle-aged owner of a diabetic pig?' Been doing lots of thinking during my rides."

Clooney made many statements over the years claiming he would never marry again (he was briefly married to Talia Balsam in the 1980s). Some Harley-owning avowed bachelors cling to these quotes.

"Here, look," said McQueen, pulling out a crumpled clipping from a 2006 People Magazine. "Clooney said that marriage 'isn't something he's looking out for.' He said it."

McQueen stared at the clipping, smoothing it carefully for several long moments.

"Those old guys you see driving around in Corvettes, hitting on much younger women, that's pathetic," said Harper, whose Tinder profile lists his preferred age as 19-24. "George and I, we were different. We were loveable, incorrigible rascals."

But all is not lost for these rapidly ageing, unmarried men.

"I hear Leonardo DiCaprio owns a motorcycle," said Irons.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Paul Beer is a Toronto-based comedian, actor and writer.