Millennial frantically stockpiles canned goods, water, batteries for Earth Hour

ETOBICOKE, ON—As Earth Hour — officially held this year on Saturday, March 25th — approaches, Derek Calverson, 27, of Etobicoke is getting prepared. He is putting the finishing touches on a survival shelter that will contain adequate supplies of water, canned goods, batteries, and entertainment to last through the entire hour without it affecting his lifestyle at all.

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"Obviously I'm not just throwing this together," said Calverson, showing us around his bunker. "I thought of this just after Earth Hour last year and have been working at it on and off since then. Oh god, that hour… I felt all 3600 seconds of it. And when it finished, as I ran to the living room, hurdled over the couch, and dove to turn on the TV, I thought… never again. We must never go through this nightmare again."

"It wasn't just the lack of power, you know," said Calverson's roommate, Tyler. "Electrical, personal, or otherwise. It was like… what do you do with yourself? We just had to sit there thinking our own thoughts. Know what I discovered? I am not an interesting person! So I'm going to observe and honour the environment whilst also keeping very busy and nourished this time around. Just because you're trying to do something good and share in the desperate state of the world doesn't mean that you need to suffer at all whilst doing that."

"Sometimes I say while, sometimes I say whilst," he concluded.

As Calverson showed off an impressive new super-charged battery he had bought for his computer so that it would last unplugged for the hour even if he watched "like five 3-D movies at once" (?) Calverson also said they were just sticking to the basics in terms of food, canned goods like Kraft Dinner, Easy Mac, and Slim Jims.

"Just pure survival stuff."

At press time, when it was pointed out Kraft Dinner and Easy Mac are not, strictly speaking, canned goods, and could not be eaten without some type of preparation involving a stove, or microwave, or at least heat, Calverson said, "Well I'll just eat the Slim Jims then. I mean it's only an hour, right? Sometimes I'm not even that hungry."

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