Man to skip summer beach body, get head start on winter coat body

ORLEANS, ON—In a surprise announcement, local man Dale Billingsley told reporters this week that he plans on skipping "the whole summer beach body thing" to get a head start on his "winter coat body".

"This is not a decision I make lightly," said the slightly overweight 36-year-old.

"But after considering all factors, the best choice for my lifestyle is to jump right past the dieting and exercise necessary for an attractive torso and start preparing for my post-summer look."

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Billingsley cited several reasons for the move, including local weather patterns and all-around convenience.

"Ultimately, I probably don't have the time or inclination to make my body presentable for public viewing this summer," Billingsley said. "Whereas I already have a lot of momentum going toward achieving the perfect body to hide under several layers of clothes. Currently, I'm only 10 or 15 pounds away from my ideal winter hibernation body."

"It's better to whole-ass one thing than half-ass two things," he explained. "And I'm gonna whole-ass gaining those last few pounds."

​Billingsley went on to describe at length the exact diet and physical routine believes will help him attain his ideal winter physique, adding that he hopes his journey will inspire others to reach their own lethargy goals.

"In terms of nutrition, just make sure you always have some chips nearby," he told reporters, emphasizing that any brand will suffice. "The key is to have a nice layer of flab to protect your body from the elements during the cold season."

"But be careful not to move around too much outside," Billingsley warned. "Not only do you risk burning off the blubber you worked so hard to attain, but you may accidentally get a tan and lose all that great winter-style paleness."

According to the part-time warehouse manager, the decision to declare his goals publicly is so that he'll create pressure to achieve them.

"It's kind of always been my dream to have the type of winter body that screams inertia," he said. "It's time to cut the excuses and make that dream come true."

At press time, Billingsley was also considering developing the type of enzyme that enables bears to hibernate, saying it would really "complete the aesthetic."

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