Loudest man in meeting has no idea what meeting about

OAKVILLE, ON—Sources report that despite smacking the boardroom table repeatedly with his open palm and yelling a string of pre-packaged business phrases at a roomful of his colleagues, advertising copywriter Jacob Lowther, 34, actually had no idea why this morning's meeting was called, who called it, or what it was meant to be about.

"He didn't ask, he just kind of sat down and kept loudly stacking and restacking a pile of papers and shrieking the phrase 'leverage opportunities' every twelve seconds," said an anonymous coworker who also attended the 11 am gathering.

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Before anyone had a chance to speak, Lowther fired up a PowerPoint presentation and stood confidently with both hands on his hips beside a slide depicting a sunrise over a cornfield. Underneath the photo, the word "DEDICATION" was featured in Comic Sans.

"At one point, he snapped his fingers and said 'Next slide, please', though I'm not sure who he was…talking to…?" shared the anonymous source. "So we just stayed on the cornfield for the entire hour."

"I've been in this business a long time," Lowther smirked. "So let's kick things off. I want to see commitment. I want to see perseverance. I want to see loyalty to the company," he shouted, clapping his hands on each noun.

"What we've got here is a chance to synthesize across platforms," he bellowed as he pointed emphatically at the cornfield.

When reached for comment, the organizer of the meeting, Andrea Hadfield, softly explained that she'd in fact congregated the team to coordinate summer vacation plans.

"Just wanted to check in and see who wanted which weeks off," she shrugged. "We didn't really...um….get to that today."

"I'll try again tomorrow," she added, sighing gently. "Though I said that yesterday. Today was actually my fourteenth attempt at this meeting."

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