Comedy·SPECIFIC INFLATION

Kathleen Wynne raises minimum wage to $15 to keep up with price of Eagles' Greatest Hits CD

Kathleen Wynne announced that minimum wage will be raised to $15 an hour by 2019, to insure that all citizens will be able to purchase a copy of the classic Eagles compilation Their Greatest Hits (1971–1975).
(Shutterstock / DayOwl)

QUEEN'S PARK, ON—The time had come to act, and so the premier of Ontario has acted.

Kathleen Wynne announced Tuesday that minimum wage will be raised from its current rate of $11.40 an hour to $15 an hour by 2019, to ensure that all citizens will be able to continue to purchase a copy of the classic Eagles compilation Their Greatest Hits (1971–1975) after just one hour of work.

Said Wynne in a press conference this morning on the steps of Queen's Park, "I want the average Ontario worker to know that I respect them very much."

"I also want them to know how much I respect the songwriting partnership of Don Henley and Glenn Frey, the underrated musicianship of Bernie Leadon on not only guitar but also banjo and pedal steel, and the plaintive, soaring vocals of Randy Meisner on his trademark tune, Take It To The Limit."

"It's been troubling to me to see the price of a compact disc — an outdated format, we'll all agree — start to increase again due to reduced sales thanks to digital streaming and a revived interest in vinyl," said Wynne.

"That, however, is not in my control. What is in my control is the ability to give the average worker enough money to hear Already Gone, widely agreed to be the Eagles' hardest-rocking tune before the Hotel California album."

At press time, Wynne also encouraged workers as well as the assembled press to use their second hour of pay to buy Fleetwood Mac's Rumours album, as "a best-of compilation doesn't do justice to the cohesive themes implemented by the band on any given album."

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