iPhone update to autocorrect "what u doing" to "I am bored out of my mind can we do something"

CUPERTINO, CA—Apple is gearing up for another of its famous keynote presentations. This time around, though, it's not for a hardware update reveal – sorry folks, looks like the iPhone 37a isn't ready just yet. Instead, CEO Tim Cook plans to announce what is perhaps the biggest software update in the company's history: a comprehensive upgrade, notably for its autocorrect and auto-send functions.

Up until this point, the iPhone was capable of autocorrecting things like "c u" to "see you." But Cook expects users to be able to count on their iPhone a lot more.

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"Your phone should essentially be you," Cook explained. "We eventually want to get to a place where your phone is you." This means forfeiting more of yourself over to your device in order to help it assert itself as you. We want it to embrace your vocabulary with the ability to translate it to mean exactly what you mean it to mean. Now, for example, your phone will autocorrect "what u doing" to "I'm bored outta my mind can we do something."

And that's not even the half of it. Starting today, those who update to iOS768 will reap the benefits of the autocorrect overhaul in multiple areas of their life. "Netflix and chill?" will now autocorrect to "wanna fck?" anytime after 9 PM on weekdays and 11 PM on weekends.

"It's a game changer," reports local amateur open-mic comic Steve Nolaffs.

Beyond that, your phone will also now be equipped with the capability to drunk-text your ex for you when it detects optimal inebriation levels. The incredibly sensitive touch technology is now advanced enough to detect alcohol consumption levels from booze oozing through fingertips. Hence, just reaching for your phone will let it know how much you've had. Spoiler alert: too much.

"This feels like a feature that should have always been there," Cook admits.

A comprehensive list of the phone's new autocorrects and responses will be made available on Apple's website, though it is encouraged to just download the update and let your phone take over being you. Because, finally, your phone gets that "Let's hang soon" really means "bye forever."

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