INTERNATIONAL HERO: This man treats his curvy wife with basic respect

SAN FRANCISCO, CA—Clearing space on his mantel for the dozens of trophies he's expecting delivered to his home any minute now, local freelance sneaker design artist Freddie Calhoun, 36, took to Instagram this morning to publicly seek a barrage of congratulations for treating his supermodel wife Natasha with basic respect.

"See, the thing is, she's curvy instead of very thin, so I just feel I should get a bit more national recognition for loving her," Calhoun explained as he fielded seven different phone calls from government officials looking to award him with a Citizen's Award for Bravery.

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Calhoun went on to explain in his Instagram post that he's always been attracted to curvier women.

"It's just remarkable that this man had the courage to marry someone he was attracted to," explains Department of the Interior official Raymond Soros. "We should all follow his example, and stop marrying people we find utterly repulsive."

"You guys don't understand the sacrifices I have to make in order to be married to a curvy woman I find crazy hot," Calhoun explains, fighting back tears. "Every time Natasha and I walk into a bar, people look at us with this expression on their faces that screams 'I was actually just looking at the Mitsubishi commercial on flat-screen TV behind you guys, maybe you could move?'"

Growing more courageous and compassionate seemingly by the word, Calhoun's Instagram post then goes on to drop an insight so profound and revelatory it crashed the entire internet for seven minutes after it was posted: even curvy women deserve love.

"Don't worry, girls," he writes, causing so many adult women across the nation to shudder in unison that it registered as a 7.2 on the Richter scale this morning, "even though you aren't thin, there are men out there who will marry you anyway. Men like me, who are just the embodiment of valour."

"Oh, thank god," said no woman at any point.

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