Comedy·VALENTINE'S DAY

I just found out my love language is Norwegian and it's so hard to learn

I don’t know what kind of result I was expecting. Maybe something like “touch” or "words"?

I first heard about the famous book The Five Love Languages from some close friends a couple of years ago. They'd gotten a lot out of it, and thought I should give it a try to help my romantic life.

It sounded fun. But I just never got around to reading it.

But now with Valentine's Day on the horizon, I suppose my fancy has turned to thoughts of love. What the heck, I thought. I'll have a look and see which way I communicate best in the world of romance. What is my love language?

Well, I had a look.

I got "Norwegian."

I don't speak Norwegian.

And after a week of trying to do so, I can tell you that it's really, really hard to do.

I don't know what kind of result I was expecting. Probably something like "touch" or "verbal."

Well it's verbal, all right. It's verbal as heck.

How is this supposed to work?!

When we're having an intimate moment and I tell him I love him, am I supposed to put that line through the o? And how do I pronounce that? I just want to tell him I løve him! Why can't my løve language be, like, "food" or something? It could even be Norwegian food — sorry, føød.

I'd be fine with that. I'd learn how to ferment a shark or whatever it takes. Just enough with all these vowels, please.

Even if I do end up perfecting my Norwegian, I can't say it seems like the most romantic language in the world. A lot of throat-clearing, a lot of different words for tundra, fjords, and sprites.

Basically, unless you get all hot and bothered when you read Gandalf's speeches in The Lord of the Rings, you'd better hope your lover's language is not Norwegian.

Maybe there are ways I can work this into my life without having to pick up what I can honestly say is the most difficult language I've ever tried, and I say that as someone who learned Klingon at 15. Hopefully for now this Viking hat will help.

At least it's making me horn-y.

Just a little joke there. Maybe in about seven more years I'll be able to tell it in Norwegian. Argh.

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