Hollywood announces fake all-male 'Wonderman' remake to soothe threatened men

HOLLYWOOD, CA—In an effort to comfort sensitive male filmgoers upset by the recent release of Wonder Woman and its women-only screenings at a single theatre in Texas, exasperated Hollywood execs pretended to hold a press conference this morning where they announced that a completely fake, all-male Wonderman remake will be coming to theatres everywhere in July 2019.

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"It's definitely happening," said studio executive Miller Swansea, glancing repeatedly at a page of typed notes that in fact was just the lyrics to Sarah McLachlan's Building A Mystery written in Comic Sans.

"Yup. That remake is for sure coming, so can all the men out there just quiet down now? Are you guys good? You'll get your man movie. Everything's equal now. Shhhhh. It's okay, guys. You're safe. You're okay."

Local man Travis J. Hedges, who's spent the last two weeks petitioning The Alamo Drafthouse to stop its "bigoted and blatantly unfair" exclusion of men, says he's hugely relieved to hear this morning's important news.

"I really need society to go back to a time where women just sit quietly and consume endless portrayals of the male experience with zero expectation of the reverse being true," Hedges said.

At press time, Hedges and his friends were carefully choosing their next battle but were having trouble deciding between a petition demanding an all-male remake of Murder, He Wrote or a different one calling for The Stepford Husbands.

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