Heavily polluted river conveniently green for St. Patrick's Day

TORONTO, ON—As Canada's largest city once again honours its Irish heritage, even the Don River has joined the celebratory mood. Thanks to a combination of festive spirit and centuries of pollution, the 38-kilometre waterway is sporting a Kelly green hue just in time for St. Patrick's Day.

"It looks great!" said Toronto St. Patrick's Day Parade organizer Shaun O'Sullivan, apparently under the impression the unnatural colour signified Irish-Canadian culture and not the presence of toxic algal blooms.

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"I mean, the parade route doesn't go anywhere near the river, but we sure do appreciate whoever did this for us," he added, unaware he was thanking decades of neglect and chemical runoff.

The heavily polluted river has also drawn praise from many other Toronto residents, including Irish-Canadian Conor Murphy, for whom the conveniently pigmented water offers a taste of home.

"The colour reminds me of my childhood in Cork," mused the 63-year-old. "That green brings to mind the distinctive forestry and grasslands near the Boggeragh Mountains."

"To be clear though, I only like the colour," he clarified. "It looks nothing like rivers did back in Ireland. Ours were normal water colours and didn't stink like garbage."

Thanks to the Don River's sudden St. Paddy's Day popularity, Mayor John Tory has vowed to "explore avenues toward protecting and preserving" its greenish tint.

"I can't think of a better representation of Toronto's longstanding celebration of St. Patrick's Day than our distinctive green river," said Tory at an official press conference. "And I'm willing to devote whatever city resources are necessary to keeping it that way for St. Paddy's Days to come, up to and including increasing erosion and sewage overflows."

While many Torontonians have praised Tory's initiative as "appropriate" for the occasion, some, including Toronto and Region Conservation Authority spokesman Kimberly Jackson, are calling it "misguided" and a "disaster waiting to happen."

"Are you fucking kidding me?!" shouted Jackson when reached for comment. "You all know the Don connects to the bodies of water we need for sustaining life, right? Tell me you understand this concept."

"I know you're all excited about being 1/16th Irish, or whatever," she added with audible dismay. "But the Oak Ridges Moraine doesn't care about where your great grandfather came from."

"Fish are supposed to be living in that river, people!" she concluded before hanging up the phone, no doubt so she could grab her shamrock t-shirt to join the festivities.

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