Health Canada study finds working in kid-friendly restaurant most effective form of birth control

WINNIPEG, MB—After surveying family restaurant employees across the country, Health Canada has found that prolonged exposure to screaming children, exhausted, apathetic parents, and spaghetti effectively reduces your chance of unwanted pregnancy by rapidly drying up your reproductive organs.

The study found that compared with other leading forms of birth control, working in a family dining environment boasts a 100% success rate for pregnancy prevention — a standard previously unheard of in the field of reproductive health and family planning.

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"We are floored by these results," says Melissa Kurbank of Planned Parenthood. "This is a huge breakthrough and especially valuable information at a time when women are fighting for their reproductive rights."

One longtime server at The Spaghetti House in Winnipeg is delighted by the research. "I have no health or dental benefits through my work so I am very relieved to know that at least my birth control is provided," says Sandra Collins, who describes her work environment as "a sometimes literal pile of screaming children and tomato sauce."

Collins recounts a recent shift where, after pulling several children down off of a gumball machine in the lobby, she went to one of her tables to clear some plates and was met with a face full of fettuccine alfredo hurled at her by a hysterical six-year-old boy whose mother was staring off into space with "way too many lollipops" stuck in her hair.

Collins recalls, "I heard a strange sound coming from my uterus. The best way I can describe it is the sound of a car pulling out of a driveway and speeding off."

The study found that this method of birth control is effective not only for women, but for men as well, making it the first form of birth control available for use by both sexes.

Matt Richards, a busser at Aunt Bev's Family Eatery in Halifax, remarks, "I had heard children affectionately referred to as 'ankle biters' before, but I never knew it was so literal until I started working here. I've had to start wearing thicker shoes."

On one particular afternoon Richards had just finished chiseling a somehow melted crayon off of the restaurant's carpet when he was approached by a four-year-old girl dressed as Elsa from Frozen. She proceeded to vomit "like Johnny Depp's death in Nightmare on Elm Street" all over the freshly chiseled carpet, as well as Richards' thick shoes.

"I heard the sound of a deflating balloon," he explains. "The next day, my doctor confirmed that my testicles were no longer functional, merely decorative."

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