Halifax man on seventh pint has figured out how to fix America

HALIFAX, NS—A man left to his vices is ready to unite a country divided – against all odds and inebriation.

Halfway through his heroic seventh afternoon pint, Adam Marshall, 28, believes he has what it takes to actually make America great again.

"First off, I don't know why everyone listens to the suits in Washington," Marshall shouts. "It's the blue collar folks who know what this country needs. Am I right, people?"

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Marshall looks around the mostly empty bar for support. A family of four eating quietly in the corner keeps their heads down. Marshall reigns himself in a bit.

"Okay, so, is Trump bad?" Marshall goes on. "Heh. Did I almost piss myself 20 minutes ago? Yeah. He's bad. You want him impeached? Okay, well just get out there and do what needs to be done."

Marshall pauses, as if we should already know what he's driving at.

Get three more pints in me and a shot of tequila and I'll do it myself.- Adam Marshall

"Come ON!" Marshall continues, annoyed. "We've seen a president impeached before, yes? Clinton. So... do I have to spell it out for you?"

Marshall rolls his eyes and then makes a lewd gesture with a nearby beer bottle.

"I'm not saying it's pretty, but it's gotta be done. Get three more pints in me and a shot of tequila and I'll do it myself. Speaking of which..."

Marshall orders himself a shot and another round as he continues.

"Okay, so, now Trump is outta power. Cool!" Marshall yells just before taking a shot and releasing a mighty belch. "But the people, they're still all divided and that's NOT good."

Marshall arranges several condiment bottles in front of him.

"All of these people think that they're different from each other, right? And they are. But that's good. Ketchup and relish are nothing like each other, but I wouldn't wanna have a burger without either.

So, America, America is the burger. And we could have a boring burger with just mayo or we can have a loaded burger and really enjoy our afternoon. If people get that, we'll be fine. Do you guys get it?"

We nod.

"Good. Hey, barkeep! I'll have a burger and load that mother up!"

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