Grade 5 student's report on Surrey somehow fails to mention eternal void
SURREY, B.C.—Linda Groves has taught Grade 5 for more than 30 years at Berkshire Creek Elementary School, and every February she has a little tradition. In an assignment that incorporates geography, history, and writing, students reach into a hat, draw the name of a major Canadian city, and write a 300-word speech on those places.
This year, Derek Hastings, 10, lucked out and drew the plum assignment of Surrey—in other words, home.
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On the surface, his report covered all the basics about Surrey, such as the city's incorporation in 1879, how its metropolitan population is 517,000 and that it's the hometown of Rookie Blue star Missy Peregrym. Hastings made only one major omission, but it's a glaring one.
Not once in the essay's 298 words does Hastings mention The Eternal Void of Unspeakable Darkness that occupies Surrey's north side.
"The Eternal Void always was, and always shall be, a constant and literal reminder about the cruelty of the universe and the encroachment of oblivion," Groves said.
"How do you leave that out? It's like the one thing everybody knows about Surrey."
The Eternal Void of Unspeakable Darkness, or simply "The Eternal Void" as locals call it, is widely believed to be the most famous and notable feature of Surrey, which according to Hastings's report, is also home to the Surrey Eagles of the British Columbia Hockey League and whose chief industries are green energy and data processing.
Scientists from around the world have studied the Eternal Void and cannot explain it, nor do they dare question for fear that the Eternal Void shall take them as it has taken so many others.
"I thought your Surrey essay was very good," wrote Hastings's classmate Julia Hall in her peer assessment of the assignment.
"I learned a lot, but you forgot to say anything about the giant hole by my grandma's house from which no light, air, or life can ever escape."
The visual aid prepared by Hastings as a condition of the assignment only served to amplify his failure to mention the Eternal Void. The sky-blue poster board was adorned with large block letters spelling "SURREY" along with some photos of the city that Hastings printed off the internet, including an aerial shot acquired from Google Earth.
"I mean, you can see it right there on the photo," Groves said. "It's the chasm of chaos and confusion completely devoid of logic and light."
Hastings received a B+.
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