Woman returns from weekend yoga retreat as life coach

VANCOUVER, BC—After returning from a two-day yoga retreat in Northern British Columbia, Vancouver resident Brittany Fitzpatrick, 24, has declared herself a life coach, despite a complete lack of certifications or credentials.

Fitzpatrick's parents say they paid for her to attend the retreat because she seemed unsure of what to do after finishing school and starting an unsuccessful makeup channel on YouTube.

After her rewarding yoga experience, and a day spent watching inspirational videos on the OWN network, Fitzpatrick says she is now ready to take on new clients, and in fact, has already started telling people what's what.

"These are people I've never met!" Fitzpatrick says. "People whom I've never spoken with before! And people who have not approached me for guidance! I go to them!"

Fitzpatrick has indeed been approaching potential "clients" on the street and offering them totally unsolicited tips and advice.

James Richmond, an IT specialist, reports that Fitzpatrick ran past him on the street this morning and slapped a hot dog out of his mouth while yelling, "I'm doing you a favour!"

"I was pissed in the moment but then I bought another hot dog," Richmond explains. "I'm not pissed anymore."

Linda Lemay, a cashier, recalls that Fitzpatrick sat next to her on the bus last night and commented that Lemay's energy was low and that her services could help. "I got up and sat at the other side of the bus, far away from her," Lemay says. "My energy is back up ever since I moved seats."

Paul Matheson, a part-time mascot, explains that Fitzpatrick cornered him in a bus shelter earlier today, shouting that he desperately needed her services. "I begged her to let me out of the small, enclosed glass box she had trapped me in, but she refused," Matheson whispers, trembling.

While these three members of the general public claim to not have experienced any positive effects from Fitzpatrick's interventions, they don't appear to have been negatively affected by her work either. When asked if they would consider providing testimonials for Fitzpatrick's website, all three grew very quiet and visibly uncomfortable.

An anonymous woman Fitzpatrick chased out of a Dairy Queen last week did however offer up some thoughts.

Her response: "Please leave me alone."