WestJet to offer complimentary punch in the genitals on international flights

VANCOUVER, B.C.—After recently getting rid of complimentary movies and meals on international flights, WestJet announced it will have its flight attendants sack you in the nards totally free of charge.

Carl Brundle recently flew from Toronto to Glasgow. A nervous first-time flyer, he was looking forward to relaxing in a web of distractions.

Brundle says he was wedged in between one man who wouldn't stop bragging about his sword collection, and another who he described as a "fierce sleep-cuddler". He voiced his discomfort to a flight attendant, who, without hesitation, punched him "directly in the ding-dong?"

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"Honestly, when I heard that we couldn't watch movies for free or have anything to eat, I was upset," Brundle explains. "But as soon as the flight attendant cracked me in the berries, I totally forgot how uncomfortable I was otherwise."

The passenger said he spent the rest of the flight doubled over and moaning, which caused uproarious laughter amongst the rest of the passengers in the cabin.

Other customers agreed watching their peers getting socked in the downstairs is far more entertaining than a lot of the programming that was previously available in-flight.

"There's literally nothing funnier than watching a hundred people get whacked in the mushy bits," said Krystal Dang. "I'd watch that a hundred times before I'd sit through Batman v. Superman."

Dang said her iPhone footage from her flight has now been nominated for a Canadian Screen Award for Best Comedy.

Flight attendant Bigsby Brixton-Bristlebury was hesitant at first, unsure if the new genital-punching program was a good addition to the airline's services.

"I had one woman complain that she had paid quite a bit for her ticket, and expected a few perks on her trip," Brixton-Bristlebury said, rolling her eyes audibly. "But as soon as gave her a quick southpaw to the boob, she was calm. In fact, she thanked me."

Representatives from the airline remind their customers that flying in a shiny metal tube through the sky is a wholly unnatural experience. It is a privilege and a miracle that should be appreciated, despite the lack of creature comforts one may have once enjoyed.

Marjorie Shears, a PR rep for WestJet, said that while thanks are welcome, they are not necessary.

"It's the least we could do," she said. "Sitting hungry, in silence, for hours, already feels like a slap in the sack. It was our duty to serve up the complete package—no pun intended."

Not sure which is worse - WestJet or Air Canada:

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