TIME magazine sends Trump audiobook version of "Person of the Year" issue so he can understand it
NEW YORK, NY– After naming president-elect Donald Trump "Person of the Year" this morning, the editors of TIME say they promptly sent an audiobook version of the magazine to Trump's home so that he'd be able to understand what was going on.
"As we've all witnessed for an interminable flaming hellscape of time, words simply don't mean anything to Donald," explains managing editor Levi Shaughnessy. "By that I mean he literally can't read. I think that's an open secret at this point? I don't know why the media don't write about it more. It's not like he'd be able to read it."
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"Still, we wanted Donald to be able to enjoy the article we wrote, so we made arrangements for beloved American actor Morgan Freeman to narrate it so we could turn it into an audio file for him."
"Unfortunately, Morgan flat-out refused," Shaughnessy continues sheepishly. "So did BBC's David Attenborough, and so did pretty much everyone we asked."
In the end, the audio recording of "Man of the Year" was voiced by a 19-year-old intern who sorts the mail in the basement at TIME's headquarters. He has held the job for four days.
"His name is like, Chris? Or Jordan. Kyle, definitely. Look, it was the best we could do," Shaughnessy explains. "We had to get the audiobook to Trump's people by 9 am."
Trump's personal assistant Crystal Supermodel says that Trump received the audiobook this morning and is looking forward to listening to it later on today.
"We have it scheduled in between some other extremely important audiobooks Donald has planned to listen to this afternoon," Supermodel confirms. "American Foreign Policy For Dummies, American Foreign Policy For Dummies For Dummies, and the 2017 Victoria's Secret catalogue."
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