They're here! Coffee Time announces five new holiday drinks
TORONTO, ON—With the crisp fall weather quickly turning into an emotionally unsustainable hellscape, there is but one saving grace: this week, your beloved holiday drinks return to Coffee Time! Nothing signifies the beginning of winter like our signature rusty-hinge-coloured cups and the delicious lineup of beverages inspired by this magical time of year. That's right – nothing. Not even whatever Starbucks is doing.
1. Peppermint Mouthwash Latte
Enjoy an XL Styrofoam cup of cold milk because our steam wand's been busted all month. Shit timing, we know! We've artfully dumped six shot glasses worth of Listerine Arctic Mint into the milk, giving this drink a nostalgic note of minty winter goodness. Name one other latte that will get you a tiny bit drunk!
Having trouble? Here's one:
2. Spaghetti Squash Latte
We're soooo over pumpkin spice and frankly we're surprised that one specific nameless competitor still seems to be stuck in what, 1775? At Coffee Time we're constantly pushing the envelope, questioning the status quo and asking, "what will people want next?" How about a cup of pureed spaghetti squash dancing majestically with a dash of paprika, plus milk is involved somehow? We've added vodka so you won't question things too much.
3. Toasted Chest Hair Cappuccino
It appears that the city's main chestnut distributor is sleeping with someone at Starbucks' head office, but not to worry – we're a resourceful bunch. One night our head cashier Jonah got stupid high during his shift and discovered that if he ripped out a fistful of his chest hair and placed it in the microwave for 45 seconds, it resulted in an extremely pleasing nutty crunch. Sprinkle it hither and thither throughout a cappuccino and who among us even remembers what chestnuts are?
4. Sadness Macchiato
Every night at 3:30 am, Jonah runs around the store in a child's cape with a Coffee Time cup in each fist and scoops up some of our general atmosphere. It's subtle, but if you sip closely, you'll notice this down-to-earth drink is imbued with bleary-eyed teens breaking up plus the unmistakable stench of urine.
5. Just a Used Syringe Nestled Tenderly In a Dixie Cup
At Coffee Time we're proud of our gritty, urban reputation. This holiday season, you have a choice: stand in line for sixteen hours at Starbucks comparing diamond-encrusted briefcases with fellow downtown elites, or come have a REAL cup of coffee that'll keep you in touch with the common man. The choice is yours. The makeshift heroin den in the wheelchair accessible bathroom is ours.