Study finds baby boomers running out of ways to waste their money

HALIFAX, NS—As if baby boomers don't suffer enough – common tragedies include where to sail this god damn boat, how to set up this god damn telescope, and how close to the koi pond to put this god damn second gazebo – a recent study out of Dalhousie University has discovered that this demographic simply can't waste their considerable savings fast enough.

The epidemic has hit the retired upper-middle class especially hard.

"Sally and I came back from a cruise and when I checked our bank balance, I was shocked," says boomer Joseph Campbell. "Our savings actually grew, thanks to a healthy dollar."

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Campbell was profoundly upset that the opulent vacation failed to make a dent in his astronomical wealth. "I wanted to scream, but I just read a book that said loud noises near my greenhouse might negatively affect the bloom schedule of my orchid collection."

"It's awful," adds Campbell's wife Sally. "We're touring wineries like it's our job, the cottage has seven decks… but we're tired. We simply can't waste money like we used to anymore."

Campbell says he intends to plan future trips to locations where the populace doesn't suffer third world conditions to create an artificially cheap vacation for tourists. "I heard they treat workers like human beings in Japan, so it's actually expensive to visit," says Campbell. "Maybe we'll go and buy some swords or see those fat guys bounce around."

Financial planner Dick Whitman suggests that wasting money is not a one-time gesture, but an ongoing commitment.

"Did you go out and buy a few nice cars?" asks Whitman. "Rookie mistake. True wastefulness is a multi-faceted approach. For example, don't buy a simple Porsche when an SUV sucks back so much more gas."

He also suggests boomers encourage their offspring to follow their dreams, most especially dance, stand-up comedy, and writing. "You'd be surprised how much money you can waste on a son or daughter with no talent," he says. "Tuition, Kickstarter campaigns, free rent – it all adds up."

"Unfortunately you won't know if it's truly been a waste of money until they reach the age of 40 and give up," cautions Whitman. "I've heard horror stories of kids going on to become successful in the arts, and then what? Your investment actually pays off. What a disaster."