STUDY: 91% of bridal showers attended at gunpoint

BURNABY, BC—A new government report released today has found that the overwhelming majority of bridal showers are attended by women who are forced to show up because they're being actively held at gunpoint.

The report brings to light a little-known fact about the bridal shower tradition, which is that typically, the bride-to-be has quietly hired a henchman to arrive at the home of each guest an hour before the gathering begins to ensure that she shows up at the event.

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Most often, these "shower henchmen" are dressed in head-to-toe pink. They carry a pink gun adorned with flowers and bows and keep it aimed at their assigned guest for the duration of the afternoon. According to the report, at no point is the gun actually used, but its constant, unwavering presence is enough to persuade even the most begrudging of guests to participate in the day.

"I've been booked solid all through spring and summer," exclaims Jesse March, owner of local henchman agency The Eleventh Shower. "The ladies always pick the most beautiful, sunny weekends in human history to detain everyone in a living room and gush about tablecloths."

The report surveyed every woman on earth about why she wouldn't just attend a bridal shower of her own free will, and why physical intimidation seems to be necessary in the vast majority of cases.

Responses ranged from, "why are they always on the Sunday morning after the night you got the drunkest you've ever been in your entire life" to "Oh god, do I need some kind of frilly dress bullshit" to "I've already spent twelve thousand dollars on an engagement party present, a bachelorette party, and a wedding present" to "Am I going to have to guess the groom's testicle girth or some garbage" to "Dear God, why" to "No no no no no I just went to one" to "No no no no no I just went to seven" to "I'm just not very good at group tittering."

Interestingly, the same report found that 97% of destination weddings are attended due to extreme emotional blackmail, and 400% of stag and doe parties are attended by people who have been heavily drugged to a point considered medically and legally alarming, placed inside a burlap sack and dragged to the venue.

And this is all without even getting into the whole cake issue:

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