Starbucks to offer award for first loiterer to finish goddamn screenplay

SEATTLE, WA—Starbucks has announced a new cash award this morning for people who "finish their goddamn screenplay already."

"I wish I could say this initiative demonstrates our admiration for the arts, but the truth is we're just trying to free up some fucking seats," explains Amanda Dartmore, Director of Corporate Communications.

Dartmore estimates that if even a handful of aspiring screenwriters were to complete their screenplays in each major North American city, the company's profits could triple next quarter.

"It's time for these bearded fucks to hang up their Macbooks and get a real job," Dartmore says. "Maybe at a Starbucks. We're hiring."

Jerry Micah, a self-described "wordsmith" says he expects to be the award's first recipient, as he is nearing the 20-page mark on his seven-year-old screenplay about love.

"I'm way ahead of the curve," Micah says, grinning as he sips from the single shot of espresso he's been nursing for five hours. "I just have to work out the second and third acts, upgrade my Final Draft software, read and underline every paragraph in The Hero's Journey a couple more times, and I'm there."

However, Micah admits to feeling some pressure.

"A couple of the other regulars are also close," he whispers. "This one guy Derek just figured out an ending for his screenplay about a struggling artist struggling to struggle through his relationship which is struggling due to his girlfriend who 'just doesn't get it.' It's a meditation on struggle."

Micah chuckles. "It's funny – at first I thought he'd stolen my idea about a struggling artist. But 97% of the time I spend here I'm chatting with Derek instead of writing. I gradually came to understand that the girlfriend in his film isn't at all like Jessica. She's a brunette."

If the program is successful, Dartmore says the international coffeemonger will look at expanding the award to include novels, plays, poetry anthologies, and long overdue emails.

"Imagine a world where people come to Starbucks, get a coffee, and fuck off," Dartmore sighs. "That's a world I want to live in."