Sad man to skip parade

STEINBACH, MB—In what organizers and members of the LGBTQ community are calling a "lucky break", Conservative MP Ted Falk has stated that he will not attend the town's Pride March in July. Citing matters of "faith", "community", and "family", the MP for Provencher has unequivocally vowed not to participate in any events organized by "this group."

For their part, members of "this group" expressed relief that someone whose sense of "family" and "community" are so confused and narrow that he would beg off attending an event that will see families of all stripes gathering in an act of community solidarity has decided to sit this one out.

"He'd be a huge bummer," said Dennis Penner, an electrician who plans to attend the event with his daughter and her wife. "Though on reflection the guy could probably use a good parade."

The July 9th march is set to make history as the first of its kind in Steinbach, and pretty much everyone agrees that the sort of person who would use Christianity – a religion based on the teachings by a rule-breaker who had no time for dogma and preached love above all – as a reason to skip an event dedicated to love would probably just ruin the day anyway.

According to biblical scholar Wayne Penner, such seeming contradictions are not uncommon. "The Bible is a pretty long book," he explains. "He probably just hasn't gotten to the Jesus parts yet."

Falk initially claimed he could not attend the march due to a conflict with The Frog Follies, another local event. However, organizers of that event used social media to urge Falk to attend the LQTBQ march instead.

Falk, for his part, remains unswayed.

Reached for comment, one Frog Follies organizer sighed, "So he's still coming to our thing? Lucky us, I guess."

It should be noted that Falk is under no obligation to attend the Pride event, however much skipping it might make him look like sad, backwards little man in the eyes of most Canadians. Indeed, he should be commended for sticking to his values – values one can only hope the public remembers if and when he stands for future re-election.

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