REPORT: Jared Leto was all a dream
EARTH—As dawn broke across the globe this morning, disappointed people around the world reported waking up to the crushing collective realization that beloved actor and musician Jared Leto was all just a dream.
With the image of those sensitive yet piercing eyes still strong in their minds, men, women, and children slowly began to accept that the beautiful Leto, who'd always seemed too good be true, was in fact just that.
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"In hindsight it all makes sense," said Aldo McCabe, a lobster Fisherman from Bayfield, N.S. "The elegant, almost ethereal manner, the kind features, that glorious mane of hair, the delicate unicorn-like quality..." the 47-year-old trailed off, unable to continue.
Neuroscientists claim that this sort of widespread collective dream experience, though rare, is not unheard of, the 1958 shared reverie that was Tyrone Power being another famous example.
Dr. Helen Goldfarb, a sleep specialist at the Vanderbilt School of Medicine points to shifting elements of Leto's "career" as being emblematic of so-called dream logic.
"If you look at the early, Jordan Catalano phase of the Leto dream, we're clearly in the domain of some sort of Jungian wish fulfillment," she explains. "From there we slide into strange and incongruous details – the uncanny resemblance to runner Steve Prefontaine, the massive weight gain of Chapter 27, the blink-and-you'll-miss-him turns in Fight Club, American Psycho and The Thin Red Line, the garish horrors of Requiem For A Dream, the emaciated, yet still beautiful turn in Dallas Buyers Club, the Good Charlotte-looking Joker. Not to mention the white suits and whole 30 Seconds to Mars thing. Any one of these details might strike a person as odd, but when strung together we're clearly dealing with the diminished prefrontal cortex activity common to the dream state."
Help lines have been set up for those struggling to come to grips with the fact that there is not now, nor has there ever been, a Jared Leto. If you or someone you know is experiencing such difficulty, please do not hesitate to call 1-888-LETODREAM.
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