Queen's lavish birthday celebration indistinguishable from any random Monday

LONDON, UK—Queen Elizabeth celebrates her 90th birthday today but so far, the extremely decadent festivities are no different from any other average day in her life.

"I brought her breakfast in bed on this most momentous morning," explains Assistant Butler Carlsman Finch. "Croissants flown in from Paris, the finest Kenyan coffee made from beans gently dipped in liquid gold. As she ate, I serenaded her on the lute and 12 massage therapists worked on her shoulders until a gleaming white horse appeared in her bedroom right on cue to take her to a garden party in the Southwest Orchard. The horse had been trained to arrive during the most furiously passionate part of my blessed lute song."

Finch admits, however, that all of that stuff also happened yesterday too, and the day before that, and the day before that, and is in fact pretty much exactly how Her Majesty begins a typical weekday.

"We have a different protocol on the weekends," Finch explains. "That's when Her Majesty really likes to let herself relax and enjoy just that extra little bit of pampering."

Finch says that on Saturday and Sunday mornings, the Queen wakes up to a full children's choir encircling her bed and softly singing hymns as a deliveryman arrives with a basket of puppies for Her Majesty to play with.

Finch says he and his staff are feeling "quite stressed" about how to make today stand out from any other day in Her Majesty's life.

"I suppose that at her birthday dinner tonight we could get an endangered swan to descend onto the table from atop a crystal trapeze, but I mean, good heavens, are there no good ideas left? We did that five times last week."

Finch says that in accordance with the usual Thursday schedule, The Queen will spend precisely one hour this evening sitting quietly in a large oaken barrel of "selfies", which is what she calls money.