Parents too busy enjoying sexual renaissance to respond to son's camp letters

THORNHILL, ONTARIO – Parents Dan and Moira Feinberg let their son Eli's letter from Camp Red Pine go unanswered yet again this week, claiming they were far too busy enjoying their sexual renaissance to respond.

"We feel bad because we know Eli's been having a tough time," said Mr. Feinberg, clearly exhausted from the previous night's marathon kinkfest. "But Moira and I have been in the throes of sexual ecstasy pretty much since the exact instant that kid stepped on the bus," he continued, adding that every time the couple attempted to write back they were derailed by an insatiable, almost primal urge to ravish each other's bodies and explore forbidden pleasures.

"It's not that we don't love our boy," said Mrs. Feinberg, eyeing the most recent letter from her homesick son on the coffee table. "It's just hard to find the time to write him back between our busy jobs, all the housework and our all-night BDSM sessions in the fetish dungeon at Taboo," she explained, referring to the invite-only sex club popular with bondage enthusiasts, foot worshippers, and rubber fetishists.

Eli's camp counsellor Jacob Goldstein said the Feinbergs have put him in a difficult position.

"I really hate lying to Eli," Goldstein said, visibly frustrated. "But the kid's just too young to understand how his parents' lust for each other has blossomed in his absence, and how carnal desire makes everything else, including one's own son, seem petty and insignificant."

At press time, Dan and Moira had written two paragraphs to Eli before surrendering to a sudden and overwhelming urge to fornicate on the coffee table on top of his latest letter.