Oceans now warm enough to make Kraft Dinner in
HONOLULU, HAWAII—According to a report released this week by the International Union for Conservation of Nature (IUCN), oceanic temperatures have been rising by as much as one to four degrees each year, now making them the ideal temperature for cooking Kraft Dinner in.
Explaining that humanity will no longer need to bring water to a boil over a stovetop in order to consume the delicious Canadian staple, Inger Andersen, IUCN's general director, added that he eagerly welcomes the idea of never having to scrape off the dry, crusty noodles left at the bottom of the pot ever again.
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"This is actually a blessing in disguise," Andersen asserted. "When you consider the ecological impact of cooking the macaroni in a pot, it adds up quite quickly — from the man hours at the manufacturing facility, to the production and shipping of the soap used to clean the pot. It's absolutely remarkable that nature has eradicated the need for all that."
Canadians across the country were overjoyed upon hearing the news.
"This is great!" said local stay-at-home mom Debbie Franklin. "Our seven-year-old Aidan-Connor absolutely loves KD. This will save me so much time in the kitchen."
"I've always hated how long it takes for the water to boil," said macaroni and cheese enthusiast Hank Langley. "Plus, the ocean is already pre-salted, saving me another time-consuming and costly step. I couldn't be more thrilled!"
Although reaction to the news was generally positive, one man, 18-year-old William Hannigan, was critical of the report's findings.
"How am I supposed to eat Kraft Dinner without a pot to inhale it from?" said Hannigan in a Skype interview from his parents' basement. "You cook the noodles, add in the weird orange powder, and eat it with a spoon. I don't see this working without a pot."
The boiling ocean is also expected to usher in a new era of culinary delights such as pre-cooked crab legs, soft poached turtle eggs, and blanched seaweed.
Canadian delicacies (like KD) go head-to-head against New Zealand food in this episode of The Nations:
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