Know your enemy: the definitive guide to the war on raccoons

Toronto Mayor John Tory has shown us the true meaning of bravery and declared war on the raccoon. These godless heathens are a greater threat to society than drugs, terror, and obesity combined.

If we're to win this war, every citizen must know the depth of evil they face. Print out this handy raccoon fact sheet and awkwardly attempt to staple it to as many metal flagpoles as you can, or just grow frustrated and scatter several hundred copies on the ground.

1. Raccoons are sociopaths

As I know firsthand, a sociopath is someone who exhibits antisocial behaviour and is incapable of authentic emotion. Raccoons fit this definition because they never talk about their feelings. In fact, like most animals except for clever parrots, raccoons refuse to utter even a single sentence. Disturbing? It gets so much worse.

2. Raccoons support bullfighting. They always have and always will

Despite the international condemnation of the barbaric sport of bullfighting, raccoons can't get enough. Several pro-bullfighting Change.org petitions have recently surfaced that were likely started by a group of determined raccoons because that's the first line of each of the petitions.

3. A raccoon killed Bradley Cooper and took his voice

I was shocked when I watched the movie Guardians of the Galaxy and saw a raccoon speaking with the voice of celebrated actor Bradley Cooper (Limitless, The Hangover III). If a goddamn raccoon can rip out and brazenly use the vocal chords of our best and brightest, what else has he and his kind gotten away with?

4. Raccoons are developing nuclear weapons as we speak

Despite strict sanctions on nuclear programs for countries that aren't friends with America, raccoons in North Korea have been repeatedly testing long-range ballistic missiles. While the UN has established trade blockades specifically to limit their food to old banana peels and suburban compost heaps, raccoons continue to advance their knowledge of weapons only we should get.

5. Raccoons caused World War I

World War I began when Archduke Franz Ferdinand, named after the popular band, was brutally gunned down in the streets of Sarajevo. However, not many people know that the assassin was actually six raccoons dressed in a trench coat posing as a man. My understanding is that they did a sort of Voltron thing where some of the raccoons acted as arms and legs and the other ones formed the body and head. Maybe another raccoon acted as the gun. It's hard to say. I wasn't there.