If Valentine's Day cards were realistic

Valentine's Day is almost here and that means it's time to do the minimal amount of work for your loved one to ensure that at the very least the possibility of having sex this month stays alive. Have you walked the aisles of Hallmark and come up empty handed, unable to find a card that really displays how you feel towards your significant other? Like a three year-old condom bought in the vending machine of a dive bar, we've got you covered.