High school grads excited to devote more time to walking slowly in public

NATIONWIDE—As the school year comes to an end, the nation breathes a collective sigh of discontent as thousands of teens prepare to try their hands existing among functional adults.

Up until now, the hours of 9 am to 3 pm have provided a haven for these awkward, spatially unaware "near-dults," but this solace is about to end for all of us. Freshly freed from their classroom confines, these kids will be everywhere with nowhere to be.

"I can never understand why everyone is in such a hurry," says 16-year-old Kyle Dobson. "Me and my friends like to walk abreast at a pace of 0.4 kilometres per day and block the entire sidewalk. We take it real nice and slow, which forces the people behind us to slow down too and really take in the world around them. These nine-to-five dead-insides need to learn to relax!"

However, there is cause for hope, as a good portion of today's youth seems intent on spending the summer traveling the globe.

"I think I'm going to spend July backpacking through Europe and see what it's like to inconvenience people over there," says Jenny Cartier, 17. "My giant backpack will probably make me walk even slower. Plus, when I'm not walking, I can take it off and leave it directly in people's way! They say Europeans are more chilled out than we are, but I'll be the judge of that."

Experts are urging the public to enjoy what precious little time they have left before June ends. Because they are coming. They will be standing in line ahead of you, talking loudly on the phone. When they get to the front of line, they will not yet know what they want to order. And nothing can stop them from not knowing.