Great man or greatest man? A timeline of Harper's life
With this week's announcement that Harper will resign from Parliament and step away from politics, we take a look back at some of the key moments in the life and career of Canada's 22nd and arguably most accomplished Prime Minister.
April 30th, 1959: Born in the Leaside neighbourhood of Toronto clutching a tiny copy of Adam Smith's Wealth of Nations that his mother swallowed on a dare.
1959-1969: Usual little kid bullshit.
1978: Graduates with honours from Richview Collegiate Institute. Later admits that during these years he experimented with a popular drug known as Trudeaumania.
1985: Named chief aide to Calgary Progressive MP Jim Hawkes, who hires the young Harper after watching him eat an impressive 11 hot dogs at a fundraising barbecue.
1986: Sees Crocodile Dundee.
1987: Gives an electrifying speech at the Reform Party of Canada's founding convention, which he opens by shouting at attendees to "Kick out the jams, motherfuckers!"
1987-88: Named Reform Party of Canada's Chief Policy Officer. Helps draft policies like jettisoning the Maritimes and a proposal to have men and women celebrate Christmas on different days.
1993: Elected MP for Calgary West after defeating his old boss Jim Hawkes in a winner-take-all bare-knuckle boxing match.
2002: Elected Canadian Alliance MP for Calgary Southwest. Does not permit himself to smile.
Jan. 23. 2006: Elected Canada's 22nd Prime Minister. Permits himself to smile, briefly.
July 1, 2006: Lowers GST by 1%, fulfilling campaign promise to dying orphan who wanted to save a few cents on his final Snickers bar.
2007: Sees Crocodile Dundee II.
June 11, 2008: Formally apologizes to natives for abuse in residential schools, thereby fulfilling the absolute bare minimum of what he could do with regards that particular catastrophe.
Oct. 14, 2008: Elected PM again despite repeat warnings from future time travelers that it would mean "the end of all things."
Dec. 4, 2008: Narrowly avoids a non-confidence motion by cleverly hiding in House of Commons bathroom until everything blows over.
2010: Discovers Netflix. Disappears for weeks.
May 2, 2011: Elected PM of his first majority. Hurls Michael Ignatieff from the top of Mount Logan.
2011 - 2015: Abandons Kyoto Protocol, oversees Senate allowance scandal and the F-35 fighter jet cost fiasco, intimidates charities, muzzles scientists, fails emissions targets, spends millions on tar sands advocacy, hands out infrastructure money to Conservative friendly ridings, C-51, the Niqab "debate."
Oct. 19, 2015: Is defeated by Justin Trudeau. Makes gracious concession speech before retiring to castle in Carpathian Mountains to brood.
May 25, 2016: Announces retirement from politics to open Friedman Your Mind, a yoga and meditation studio inspired by Chicago School economics that promises to "deregulate your consciousness and more efficiently allocate your spiritual resources."