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Ghost Of Cape Breton coal miner thrilled to see so many Labour Day mattress sales

McKenzie, who was drowned by hired thugs of the Dominion Coal Corporation, expressed pride that his martyrdom to the labour movement has inspired "such great deals, particularly on twin, queen, and king-sized mattresses.”
Ned Petrie · CBC Comedy ·

CAPE BRETON, NS – 98 years after his death at the hands of anti-union goons, the ghost of coal miner Ginger McKenzie issued a statement to share his elation at seeing "so many great Labour Day sales these days."

McKenzie, who was drowned by hired thugs of the Dominion Coal Corporation, expressed pride that his martyrdom to the labour movement has inspired "such great deals, particularly on twin, queen, and king-sized mattresses."

"In my day, we didn't get sales like this. Hell, we were lucky if the company store would cut us a deal on coffins to bury our children in!" said the deceased activist, who lost three sons to the loom. "But, c'mon! 60% off Sealy, Serta, and Beautyrest mattress sets with no money down until 2019? At those prices you can't afford not to buy!"

Despite his enthusiasm, McKenzie's ghost still has some reservations about Canada's present-day Labour Day celebrations.

"I must say, I am a little bewildered at the concept of every working Canadian having a bed," he says. "Being that our work week was 104 hours, the only sleep we got was during the occasional 15-minute break. And even then it was usually either standing up or on a rock."

McKenzie, who inhaled nine pounds of coal dust across his 31-year lifespan, went on to explain that bed ownership was typically limited to the purview of the idle rich. "Back then, the only time you heard the word 'bed' was if it came out of the mouth of a plutocrat," says the ghost.

The ghost, who still haunts the lake where McKenzie was murdered for protesting to reduce the infant workday to eight hours, says he is nonetheless most grateful to be so appreciated by today's working Canadians.

"It's rewarding knowing that, after all these years, Canadians are still meditating on the past efforts of organized labour and thinking of us with gratitude as they enjoy the bounty we died for," said McKenzie's ghost with a tear in his ghost eye. "It really makes my brutal murder in the face of an uncaring pseudo-aristocracy worth it."

McKenzie's ghost then expressed sincere thanks to modern Canadians for keeping his memory alive, "resting in comfort atop their memory foam mattress tops – and not just on evenings but on your so-called 'weekends' as well!"