Formula for hit songs revealed: Steal from other hit songs

TORONTO, ON—There is not enough time over a human lifespan to listen to all the recorded songs in the world, so why are we still writing new ones?

This is the driving question behind research carried out by Sonic Vision, an entertainment conglomerate comprised of record labels, television news programs, radio stations and research facilities. Their recent findings show that music listeners are frightened by novelty and change, preferring instead to consume familiar re-hashes of previous hits.

"Once we stopped trying to create wholly original songs, and started creating versions of what was already successful, the money just poured in," says Victor Bates, creative director of Sonic Vision Records. When asked if he was troubled by the moral implications of appropriating the work of other artists, Bates responded: "Not at all. Our team of copyright lawyers ensure that the songs are different enough to be deemed original, while still maintaining the sound, tempo, chord progression and lyrical structure of the popular songs we're inspired by."

The new single from Sonic Vision's flagship supergroup Kiss Me I'm Stylish, dubbed Spectre Smash, is a prime example of Sonic Vision's new copy-what-works philosophy. The single is an almost note-for-note recreation of Ray Parker, Jr.'s Ghostbusters theme, which itself is an almost note-for-note recreation of I Want A New Drug by Huey Lewis And The News.

"We are following in the footsteps of superstars like Elvis, Led Zeppelin and Madonna, all of whom were inspired by the work of other artists, and in turn created inspiring work," says Bates.

Popular local band The Plateaus have taken umbrage with Sonic Vision's approach to making hits. At a recent press conference, Somerset Pheasant, lead singer of The Plateaus, had this to say: "It's an empty, artless approach to making art. Sonic Vision are thieves, that's all there is to it."

When asked about the similarity between his lyrics and the work of poet E.E. Cummings, Pheasant responded, "That's nonsense. I write all my own lyrics. I may have been reading some Cummings at the time, but his poetry in no way influenced my musical versions of his poems."

So the next time you hear a catchy radio hit, ask yourself if you've heard it before. Chances are, you have.