Cat loses respect for man startled by toaster
FREDERICTON, NB—Bob Duval, 32, has recently discovered that the balance of power between a cat and its owner is a delicate relationship that can shift more swiftly and harshly than you might think.
"My cat has always had a bit of an attitude problem," Duval explains. "Initially, I named him Fluffykins, but he would never answer when I called him. So, I changed his name to Rick. Still nothing. It wasn't until I started calling him Mr. Rick that he would do me the immense honour of even looking at me."
However, recent events have brought Bob and Mr. Rick's relationship from a state of mutual neutrality to one of tension and chaos.
"I messed up," Bob admits. "I was making breakfast, took a second to check my phone, and then when the toaster popped it spooked me a bit. I didn't yelp or anything. I just jumped a little."
This pathetic show of weakness did not go unnoticed.
"I turned just in time to see his tail leaving the room. He saw what happened. Since then everything has been different," Duval whispers.
- Emotionally stunted man happy to take things slow
- Man with ponytail feeling obligated to learn bass guitar
Mr. Rick, who now firmly perceives himself as the alpha male of the apartment, is slowly tearing Duval's world apart.
"He won't use the litter box anymore. He just poops in the tub. He'll eat food off my plate and then he just coughs it up... back onto my plate."
"I can't even have my girlfriend over anymore. Best-case scenario, Mr. Rick is going to completely emasculate me. Worst case scenario..."
Duval shudders.
"I don't even want to think about. Anything seems possible at this point."
Duval says he has been desperately trying to reestablish his dominance in the house, but so far to no avail.
"I brought Mr. Rick into the kitchen and had him watch me punch the toaster a few times. I thought maybe that would help, but I just ended up hurting my hand."
Cat person? Check out this sketch from Baroness von Sketch Show: