Canada opens first safe injection site for your ex's social media

VAN CITY—Following the lead of Copenhagen and Amsterdam, Vancouver has opened the doors to FeedClean, Canada's first centre where the brokenhearted can safely inject small and controlled doses of their ex's social media profiles.

In addition to a dismal economy and rampant unemployment, Statistics Canada released a report Tuesday concluding that "literally all" of your couple-friends are breaking up. Unsurprisingly, social media stalking is up. Since the early days of Facebook, economists have called the social media industry recession-proof, with many claiming that it in fact benefits from rising rates of unemployment.

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The confluence of high social media use and increased breakups has sparked a health crisis as single individuals compulsively consume the social media feeds of their former partners, often in dangerously high doses.

This growing health crisis is most evident in Vancouver where the tech industry is booming, making it the ideal testing ground for the pilot project known as FeedClean. Renowned speaker, author, and founder of the clinic Dr. Anthony Saleh explained, "What we've got in Vancouver is an awful lot of vulnerable people with a tremendous amount of access. This city is so plugged in."

The centre provides a safe environment and clean internet connection with 24-hour supervision and medical professionals on call. "We don't eliminate your use of your ex-partner's social media," said Saleh, "But our services have kept a lot of people out of their ex's DMs and off their comment threads."

Our services have kept a lot of people out of their ex's DMs and off their comment threads.- Dr. Anthony Saleh

Clients tend to be young adults who can't remember a time before Facebook – those who have meticulously documented the most irrational and embarrassing years of their lives, including every Halloween costume they would later realize was blatantly racist.

Saleh emphasized that CleanFeed's focus is harm reduction: "It's easy to say, 'Just don't look. Don't click. Unfollow.' But when it comes to public health and safety, preaching abstinence is consistently ineffective. Creeping is rampant in this city whether we acknowledge it or not."

Peer-reviewed studies of similar centres in Europe consistently demonstrate a reduction in posts containing lyrics from Adele's 21, concurrent with a rise in the number of Adele lyrics from 25. In response to the stark data, WHO director Margaret Chan said, "That's good, right? You know what? I'll just ask my niece."

For close to a decade, the Harper government designed legislative barriers to the keep FeedClean from opening its doors. Harper himself has maintained the stance that the lovelorn shouldn't be a burden on taxpayers. Quoting his favourite t-shirt, Harper said Canadians need to "catch flights not feelings."

In a recent statement, Prime Minister Trudeau championed the project: "I only wish something like this existed for my ex-girlfriends. They took the breakups pretty hard."

Watch what happens when you try to bring someone home, and you live with gramps:

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