Audacious man uses online argument tactics at actual party

HAMILTON, ON – When Ken Jenkins accepted an invite to his neighbourhood barbecue last weekend he expected a fun afternoon of freshly squeezed lemonade and grilled meats.

What he didn't expect was all the oversensitivity.

The friendly community gathering took a dark turn when Jenkins, a 22-year old mall security guard who spends most of his spare time loudly voicing his opinions on the Internet, discovered that one of his neighbours is vegan.

"Look," Jenkins explained, "When I hear something like that, I can't just let it slide. It is my duty – nay, my destiny – to expound the virtues of an omnivorous lifestyle and brutally shame these dietary heathens for being different from me."

"It was weird," said partygoer Nishil Patel, a 27-year-old graphic designer. "He was Googling facts on his phone while he argued. But there was zero fact checking. He was finding so-called statistics on the most obscure websites. I didn't know Geocities still existed."

As the argument progressed, Jenkins shocked the other partygoers with the increasing viciousness and volume of his arguments.

"This is just how people argue now," he shouted. "You stick to your guns no matter what. You're right and they're wrong. You always want to be the first one to compare them to Hitler. That's really important."

However, many people who witnessed Jenkins' tirade disagreed.

"This is not how civilized people debate," said Judy Barlow, a 73-year old retiree who has lived in the neighbourhood for over forty years and uses the Internet mostly to send chain emails to her children.

"In my day, you went to the library, researched the facts, and stayed on topic. I blame rap music."

Jenkins' approach ultimately spiraled into desperation as he began correcting the vegan's grammar and then inexplicably accused him of being sexually impotent, repeatedly disparaging his genitalia.

Eventually, Jenkins was asked to leave, which he did not take kindly to.

"He kept yelling 'Free speech! I have the right to free speech!'" said Atticus Chen, a 27-year old thrift store clerk who accesses the Internet via typewriter. "Hey man, I believe in free speech too. And I will defend his right to say whatever he wants. But I will also defend my right to not let some dude talk shit about my homemade veggie dogs."

Despite a lifetime ban from future neighbourhood events, Jenkins remains unrepentant.

"I DID NOTHING WRONG," Jenkins shrieked from down the street. "I ARGUED THE WAY YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO ARGUE. YOU SEE IT ALL THE TIME. TWITTER. YOUTUBE COMMENTS. POLITICAL DEBATES. THE LOUDEST PERSON ALWAYS WINS."