'80s inventor finally puts finishing touches on the "faxophone"

TOBERMORY, ON—Inventor Bruce Yardley announced this morning that his masterpiece, the "faxophone" – a product he's been tinkering with since November of 1988 – is finally ready to grace the marketplace.

Yardley says his device will allow users to send and receive faxes while standing over a sewer grate in a pleather vest and fedora and ripping a "totally bitchin' sax solo" in the rain.

"I never meant for it to take this long," Yardley sighs as he adjusts the two glow-in-the-dark scrunchies that hold his mullet back from his face. "The faxophone was pretty much ready to go in 2006, but then I ran into a huge setback: the very real issue of soggy paper. So the last decade has been about figuring out how to sheath each fax in a protective waterproof coating."

Yardley also says he often got distracted from his work because Knight Rider, his ferret, suffers from debilitating anxiety and requires constant care and reassurance.

Despite the delays, Yardley is optimistic that his invention will be flying off the shelves in the weeks to come.

"It's just so endlessly gnarly that the public will be able to enjoy making today's hottest music with the added convenience of today's cutting edge communication technology," Yardley explains excitedly from his remote cabin in Northern Ontario where his only connection to the outside world is a shortwave radio that picks up five different French opera stations – and poorly.

Yardley is also the mastermind behind several other patented products including the "Miami Vice-cube tray," "Whoa-veralls!" and a scented hairspray known as "Perm-fume."