5 kids from my son's school who look like disappointments

We're officially eight months into the school year at my three-year-old son's nursery school, Wyatt Park Co-Op. So far, it's been a year that's produced some memorable moments: Kaylee using the toilet all by herself like a big girl, Jon-Jon's rapidly expanding vocabulary, and that week Amelia showed up every day dressed as a cat. Overall, it's a quality group of toddlers. That said, here are five of Wyatt Park's preschoolers who already look like they'll turn out to be huge busts.

1. C.J.

As a four-year-old he is expected to set an example for the younger kids before he "graduates" and heads off to junior kindergarten next year. Unfortunately it seems ol' C.J. didn't get the goddamn memo. It's a safe bet that if someone cries during free-play it's either because C.J. bit them over a toy he wanted or it's C.J. himself. I once heard him tell a two-year-old he was going to "tell his Dad on her", so not only is he a suck who fights dirty, he's a rat as well. Fuck you C.J.

2. Charlotte

At first glance, nothing about Charlotte screams "bust." Just the opposite: she's articulate, plays well with others, can get in and out of her own shoes and jacket, and always eats whatever's put in front of her at snack time. In short, she's pretty much perfect, and therein lies the rub. She's so perfect in every way, there's nowhere to go but down. I predict she'll be on her second kid by 18, third marriage by 33, and fifth stint in rehab by 40, destined to live out her days as a walking testament to the perils of peaking early.

3. Garret

His name is Garret and he has orange hair. You do the math.

4. The Logans

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Okay, so technically this cadre of same-names is more than one kid, but I'll be damned if I can tell them apart. I know there's at least three, but it could be as many as nine. Whatever the future holds for these boys (and lets face it, when you're called Logan, it's either the NHL or bartending at The Keg), they'll forever be tethered to their irritating and era-specific cookie cutter fad name. Ask any Jason born in the 1970s what it's like to try and maintain your originality when you're sporting the tell-tale handle of a momentary zeitgeist. If I were a Logan I'd start thinking about going by my middle name right about now.

5. Madison

See "The Logans."