12 really affordable items to replace the gifts in the '12 days of Christmas'

In recent years, PNC Wealth Management Group looked at the costs of buying all of the items in the '12 Days of Christmas' carol. Good news: the cost of buying your true love all of the items in the song is only up 1.4% this year.

The bad news is that the tab adds up to $116,273.06 (U.S.). So, if you see a receipt with your credit card number for this amount on the Rich Kids of Instagram, it may be time to hire a new "Wealth Manager".

Luckily, dear readers, you can save money with cheaper real substitutes for your true loves that are still in the spirit of the original song. Here they are:

1. "A partridge in a pear tree"

The song's first gift will end in tears when your true love's smelly cat knocks over the pear tree, crushing the Christmas tree in your 300 square foot apartment.

Suggested alternate gift: Aromatree 2 in 1 Pet Deodorant Spray (Pear Juice)

Whatever kind of pet your true love has will now smell like a sweet pear tree, which presumably is what any self-respecting partridge in a pear tree smells like.

Cost: According to web sites in India about 265 rupees or about $5.

2. "Two turtle doves"

Good luck finding one of these pigeon-like birds in North America or clearing customs if you try to smuggle two in from Sweden!

Suggested alternate gift: Two Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Gloves (And Mask)

The gloves and mask could help you "rescue" two local city pigeons. And since that sounds illegal, give the disguise as a gift to your true love so they can decide whether to risk breaking the law and contracting bird flu or Histoplasmosis.

Cost: $14.99 U.S. on eBay.

3. "Three French hens"

For Costco members in Québec: this sounds like something you can get for around $25. But as rotisserie-cooked hens can't speak, your true love may doubt their French heritage when they can't conjugate verbs in passé composé.

Suggested alternate gift: Three Henchmen

Your true love may never question the French background of these clown henchmen that look like they walked out of a Moulin Rouge performance, and are silent as mimes.

Cost: $64.99 US for six henchmen, of which you'll sell half.

4. "Four calling birds"

Calling math wizards: if you buy gifts based on this carol, your true love now has ten birds. That's twice as many birds as original members of the group the Byrds. And they recorded Mr. Tambourine Man, a song that ought to have more staying power than this carol.

Suggested alternate gift: Four calling cards

Perfect for use in a phone booth. So if your true love uses a calling card in the small town in Alfred Hitchcock's The Birds, unlimited calling birds should be visiting soon.

Cost: $10.00

5. "Five golden rings"

Unless you're a rap superstar buying gifts for your entourage, this excessive bling probably doesn't meet your holiday budget or gift recipients' fashion sense.

Suggested alternate gift: Five colourful rings on a Kazakhstan 2022 Winter Olympic bid t-shirt.

Since Kazakhstan's only competitor is the smoggy, non-snowy Beijing, this shirt looks like a winner! Even if it's not, the winner won't be announced until July 2015, long after your true love forgets your disappointing gift.

Cost: As we are unable to find official shirts, the cost is whatever someone wants to put this official logo on a shirt. a.k.a probably $20 at a shifty mall kiosk. Note: Not responsible if you get sued or killed as a result!

6. "Six geese-a-laying"

Oh great, more birds. Good luck explaining to your true love that your five rings weren't just an attempted distraction from your bird removal business activities.

Suggested alternate gift: Six geese allaying stress balls

Hey, is your true love irritated by bad puns? Good! These stress ball farm animals, which we presume include geese, will allay stress when they throw them at your head.

Cost: $13.50 for a dozen, divided by two, less any remaining pride for using a pun.

7. "Seven swans-a-swimming"

Recap: six of your seven gifts include one or more living birds. If your true love is not an ornithologist, your gifts suck. If they are an ornithologist, they love birds more than you.

Suggested alternate gift: The Black Swan by Nassim Nicholas Taleb

This book is about how things can get messed up in the world if you assume the future will resemble the past. So before you gift it, read it, so you know that it is time to stop living in the past and cease giving birds as gifts immediately!

Cost: $9.60. Although priceless if you stop giving your true love predictable birds.

8. "Eight maids-a-milking"

Did you know some hotel maids use the same brush to clean the toilet as the room's drinking water glasses? Do you really think your true love wants to drink any dairy creamer out of the coffee mugs in that room?

Suggested alternate gift: NHL Plastic Cups

No more worrying about clean cups! And the ensuing debate about whether Québec or Las Vegas should get an NHL expansion team will make you both forget about all of the other disgusting germ covered objects in your hotel room.

Cost: $1 per cup.

9. "Nine ladies dancing"

Actual ladies dancing, especially if they are "exotic" dancers, never make a prudent gift to your true love.

Suggested alternate gift: The movie Coyote Ugly

If you're going to give your true love dancing ladies, we might suggest over-the-top ladies dancing on a bar, which they light on fire, in the spirit of producer Jerry Bruckheimer.

Cost: $4.99

10. "Ten lords-a-leaping"

Okay, stop right there, bringing ten members of the House of Lords to leap at your true love's tiny apartment/bird party is a recipe for disaster.

Suggested alternate gift: Ten Lorde fans weeping

Offer ten Lorde fans Pure Heroine. Some will be disappointed to learn that you are giving them Lorde's album using the word "heroine" and not giving them heroin. Your true love will feel heroic giving them a potential life-saving spelling lesson.

Cost: $79.90

11. "Eleven pipers piping"

You're bringing musical instruments into the celebration now? What were the seven ladies dancing to four verses ago?

Suggested alternate gift: Eleven Piper Perabos piping

You've killed two birds with one stone! Piper Perabo is the star of Coyote Ugly, and she is piping mad in numerous scenes at unruly patrons and her insensitive boyfriend.

Cost: Potentially having to sit through the movie twice

12. "Twelve drummers drumming"

As this is every neighbor's nightmare, are you trying to get your true love evicted from their home? That won't make them move in with you sooner, if that's your secret plan... they're likely to fall for one of the other 50 people you sent to their home during this carol, fool!

Suggested alternate gift: Twelve ex-Guns-N-Roses members bumming

What are they bumming? Cigarettes? A ride across town? Whatever it is, your true love will wonder if they have a future with one of the countless ex-members of this band. If not, then you look more attractive. Especially since they are all wearing KFC buckets on their head like former member, Buckethead.

Cost: This one's a wild card since we haven't contacted any agents, but we will keep our fingers crossed at "less than $100,000" to keep you on budget! If that's too high, we're sure you can find discarded KFC buckets to be worn by 12 of the birds at your party. Just don't tell them bird parts used to be inside.