FOR REAL: Every Canadian stereotype is terrible. Sorry, but I'm right and you know I'm right

"FOR REAL" is a weekly place for Anne T. Donahue to gracefully rage out about politics, pop culture and the general insanity of being alive in 2017.

This week, we celebrate the 150th anniversary of Canada existing as we now know it, which means that for the last 424 months we've seen a notable rise in Canadian imagery (read: stereotypes).

And while I'm sure everybody's heart is in the right place, I'm also sure that I hate this. Canada is more than plaid and maple and Justin Trudeau memes, so in an attempt to cement myself as the least fun person at your July 1st barbeque, here is everything I never want to hear about again.

• PREVIOUSLY: Make Celine Dion and Drake co-prime ministers of Canada
• PREVIOUSLY: The new White House rules now that Barron's moving in

Maple

We all like maple-flavoured things. And by "we all" I mean "most people, including but not limited to Canadians, Americans, and any person on this planet with access to pancake toppings." You know what's also Canadian? Insulin. Dial it down.

Plaid

We did not invent plaid.

Tim Hortons

The day they discontinued their English toffee cappuccino was the day I knew they didn't give a shit about me, a Canadian.

Lumberjacks

This is an actual profession. Imagine if someone co-opted yours and suddenly everybody started dressing like an administrator? "I'm administrator chic!" you would hear, wondering why no one shared your zest for administration ten years ago when you were rallying for better working conditions for you and your fellow administrators. But okay cool, that 21-year-old named Todd is wearing a blazer now, so everything's fine.

Curling

This sport is Scottish.

Polar bears

They are starving to death, but okay sure, let's make this about how cute we are as a nation.

Mounties

Read the news.

"Eh?"

Find me someone who says this in earnest and I will buy you a Timbit.

"Aboot"

Nobody says "aboot." Nobody has ever said "aboot" because that is not the way people in Canada talk. Do you know what Canadians say? "About." Also, "A-boat." Which you will now never be able to unhear, especially if you're hanging out with people out west.

Anything hockey

Do you know who invented hockey? I don't care, because I was too busy giving way more of a shit about James Naismith who invented basketball, a sport that is Canadian and one million times more entertaining.

Anything about us being "nice"

Nope. No. Stop this. When our First Nations communities have access to clean drinking water and aren't being discriminated against, abused, and murdered at an alarming rate, then we get to say that we're "nice." And even then, I'd still say to stop.

Poutine

I'm lactose-intolerant, you monsters.

Laura Secord

Actually, she was kind of amazing and alerted the British that the Americans were planning a surprise attack, but yet we equate her to chocolate. Goddamn it, you guys.

Canoes

Have you seen The Revenant?

Beavers

The animal, you weirdos, and honestly I respect them: should you stumble upon their dam or try to interrupt their day-to-day, they will attack you. Ultimately, they embody my favourite phrase, "Never @ Me."

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