Family Day ruined by family
NATIONWIDE—It was a holiday introduced with the best of intentions.
In 2007, following the lead of Alberta and Saskatchewan, then-Ontario-Premier Dalton McGuinty tried to give hardworking Ontarians a holiday in February, and then immediately screwed them all by naming it Family Day.
"I mean, why did he have to call it Family Day?" laments Lori Kim, a 32-year-old mother of three trying to corral her unruly children at a Mississauga No Frills.
"Now, if I don't spend the day with these monsters, I'm the asshole. This is one of the worst things McGuinty ever did."
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Kim grabs one of her children, who has occupied himself by squirting maple syrup down his throat.
"I'll forgive McGuinty for that power plant scandal if he renames Family Day to Leave Mommy the Fuck Alone Day."
When asked what she would do given an actual day off, Kim burst into tears and ran from the store, leaving her children behind in the cereal aisle.
Fathers across Canada are equally upset by the upcoming "holiday".
"My wife has some sort of family fun day prepared for us. A pottery museum. Some terrible concert with singing koalas. Lunch AND dinner at The Old Spaghetti Factory. It'll be awful. I'd much rather deal with the crap at work," complains Andrew Gilmore, a 34-year-old maintenance worker at the Fish Creek Sewage Treatment Plan in Calgary.
"Next year, for Family Day, I'm getting a vasectomy. And a divorce."
Even the voluntarily childless aren't safe.
"The nice quiet Starbucks where I'm working on my next film opus is going to be rammed with screaming kids," grumbles Janice Marsh, 25, an unemployed screenwriter from Regina.
Next year, for Family Day, I'm getting a vasectomy. And a divorce.
"Just these stupid parents trying to caffeinate themselves so they can deal with their broods of mistakes. Like they don't know overpopulation is a thing."
Marsh lets out a heavy sigh. "And every two seconds, my boyfriend will be sending me another terrified text making sure I've taken my pill. Yes. For the fifteenth time, I've taken my goddamn pill."
"Everybody loves having a day off," opines Andy Thurman, a 39-year-old failed bartender from Toronto. "But who the hell wants to spend it with their family? That's not a real vacation. I don't understand why we need a day that's so goddamn prescriptive. We've already got Christmas."
"I agree," says Margaret, Thurman's roommate and mother. "I've been cooking his meals and doing his laundry for almost four decades. It sure would be nice to have a break."
Meanwhile, Manitobans will be celebrating Louis Riel Day by enjoying their weekends doing whatever the hell they want.
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