Disney's live action 'Lion King' set to be total blood bath
LOS ANGELES, CA—Due to the popularity of the live-action Beauty and the Beast reboot, Disney announced today that it's decided to recreate several other popular animated classics. At the top of that list is the seventh highest-grossing animated movie of all time: The Lion King.
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By all accounts inside the studio, pre-production has been going very poorly thus far.
"It was a massacre," says associate casting director Kristin Wilson. "We had an open casting call and all the animals showed up at once. Hyenas. Lions. Giraffes. The waiting room was like Noah's Ark, but the bible never mentions how much shit there is."
"And not just the poop. It was a logistical nightmare. It wasn't until the first day was finished that we realized you have to call on the prey first," remarked Wilson. "By the time we got around to the antelopes, they were all dead. Our plush carpets can only soak up so much blood."
Apparently, the waiting room was not the only problem. Amateur actors auditioning for the role of Simba could not stop tearing out the jugulars of their scene partners or looking directly into the camera. "Do you know how hard it is to find a lion that can emote? It's damn near impossible!" barked Wilson.
During one of the casting sessions, Sir Elton John showed up to read lines with some of the actors and a zebra took a chunk out of his thigh. He was rushed to a nearby hospital where he received fourteen stitches. He could not be reached for comment, but his assistant assured us this was not the singer's first zebra bite and would surely not be his last.
Robert Reagan, the film's executive producer, recalled a particularly difficult day when a scheduled fire drill caused a stampede that killed four talent agents and one editor. "He was a good editor and we're going to miss him. We can always find more agents, though. They're the real hyenas. Am I right?" he cackled as he tightened the splint on his broken right arm.
The film is slated to be released in theaters for Christmas 2019. If principal photography is anything like pre-production the film may take longer than expected. But after a few initial hiccups, the crew is hopeful. Despite the graphic on-screen carnage the film is expected to gain a G rating unless Rafiki is openly gay, in which case it will be promptly changed to an R.
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