Dad who burned each hot dog, burger, and bun somehow in charge of fireworks

MUSKOKA, ON—Well, there's that job sort of taken care of, now where's the gunpowder?

Bill Inchorge, a 63-year-old systems analyst and father of two, just finished cooking up the "dinner" that his family is "enjoying" at the cottage before they go "get" some food to "eat" instead, because they're "still very hungry."

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"This is gonna be a blast—literally, I guess, hahahahaha," said Inchorge, whose sleeve caught on fire twice while barbecuing, although he didn't notice because the flame was put out immediately since he had insisted on barbecuing in the rain.

"That really made for an astounding flavour experience, when the meat and buns got soaking wet," says Inchorge's wife, Brenda, "because you've got to taste what it's like for something to be very burned and dry, but also wet. Like, how does science allow that? Sometimes I wonder how it ever allowed Bill! Hahahah no but anyway, seriously, he wouldn't give anyone else the barbecue lighter and he's headed over to the Roman candles, so this should go well."

"Hi my name's Theodore and I'm only six and I still don't see how he has any moral authority to go light explosives on fire after he couldn't handle my bacon cheeseburger without turning the side of the cottage black," added the Inchorges' son Theodore, 6.

At press time, wait wait wait stand back this one is acting weird, I don't think this is how it's supposed to work, I'm not sure, I didn't read the whole instructions yes of course I looked at them, Brenda, but they're tiny.

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