Covering your eyes during a horror movie and other ways to waste your money like a jackass

Pumpkins are in bloom and theatres are filled with ghouls and doom. For the average adrenaline junky and spook-seeker, it is a joyous time of year.

However, every year, there are those who fancy themselves worshippers of the wicked, but when a film gets too intense, they simply cannot hang. They are frightened sheep hiding in a more confident sheep's clothing.

Everyone has been in a theatre with this person. When a horror movie kicks into gear, the character setup is through, and we're finally in for the good stuff, this person sits next to you, face covered by their hands, inexplicably not watching the best parts of the thing they paid money to watch, sniffling as they do, possibly wondering "is this how hands are supposed to smell?"

For those who identify with this nonsensical behaviour, here is a handy list of other activities you can only partially enjoy by ignoring the most important parts of it.

1. Plug your ears during punchlines

Out at a comedy show? Why listen to a full joke? When the act on stage has established a humorous premise and seems like they are about to launch into the meat of the bit, promptly jam your fingers in your ears and say "lalalala" until you are confident the joke has concluded. This method has the added bonus of annoying those around you and can also be used in social settings to avoid hearing any and all amusing anecdotes.

2. Order a $40 steak and only eat the sides

This is a great way to not get your money's worth, while also ensuring that something died for no reason. Eat your mash and veggies, but do NOT touch that juicy ribeye. Then, when the waiter asks what's wrong, you can tell him, "Oh, I don't actually like steak. I just ordered it because I wanted you to think I liked steak."

3. Go to a baseball game and only watch the other team at bat

Is your favourite team playing ball? Make sure you only watch when your team is pitching, so you only ever see the other team hit the ball. When your team has the chance to hit a homerun (especially if a player you like is up), leave your seat and go stand in a bathroom stall. Have a friend text you when it is safe to return.

4. Go to a concert and leave after the opening act

Make sure it is not an opening band that you are at all familiar with or legitimately enjoy. That might be over-stimulating.

5. Hit up an improv show

You can watch the whole thing. It will never, ever feel like you got what you paid for.

Don't miss anything from CBC Comedy - like us on Facebook.