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Couch thrown away with drummer still on it

Who are these drummers, these men as young as 18 and as old as 24, that have literally been thrown away?
Brian Boone · CBC Comedy ·
(Shutterstock / Stefano Cavoretto)

WINNIPEG, MB—Each morning at the Brady Road Resource Management Facility begins the same for site manager Eric Braun. After garbage trucks arrive from their routes around the city and dispose of their loads in the landfill, Braun gets to work, scouring the mountains of refuse for couches, sofas, loveseats, and folded-up futons. Inevitably, he'll spot at least one. And inevitably, the couch has a drummer on it, still fast asleep.

"I try to wake them up, but they never budge," Braun says. "Then around 12, or 12:30, he'll finally wake up and find himself quite disoriented."

Who are these drummers, these men as young as 18 and as old as 24, that have literally been thrown away? They're members of local bar bands or garage bands who have "crashed" on a couch the previous night. All have been kicked out of their apartments for loud partying, forgetting to pay the rent three months in a row, or because the girlfriends they had lived with spotted them making out with Gina behind the Silver Spike.

"They're always named either 'Nooch,' or 'Beans,'" Braun explains. "Always."

"It's actually quite easy to accidentally throw away a couch with a drummer still on it," explains Dr. Leslie Wood, a University of Manitoba behavioural scientist who specializes in drummers. "If they're not on stage struggling to keep a basic 4/4 beat, they're sleeping in their boxers on your old couch for what they promise is only 'one night, dude. Two, max.'"

Processing discarded drummers is a tremendous drain on Braun's time. He recommends the following guidelines to greatly reduce the number of old couches thrown away with drummers still sleeping on them:

  • Before throwing away the couch, check for drummers who may be located underneath any blankets, young women who are into drummers, or pillows.
  • Also look in between and underneath the cushions. Drummers are very thin and wiry due to a diet consisting entirely of well vodka and old pizza.
  • If you must let a drummer crash, please have him crash on a couch you don't have any immediately plans to dispose of. (Lay down towels first.)

"Drummers just shouldn't be thrown away," implores Dr. Wood. "After all, they're somebody's disappointing son. And probably somebody's deadbeat father. And their boss at the sandwich place where they work 10 hours a week is going to be very upset."

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