Cottage's 'NO SWIMMING SUITS AFTER DARK' sign harrowing reminder of grandparents' insatiable lust

HALIBURTON, ON—Firmly affixed to the boathouse wall above some old, beat-up snorkeling equipment and decaying, sun-bleached Playboy magazines, the "No Swimming Suits After Dark" sign serves as a harrowing reminder of her grandparents' insatiable lust, Carolyn Elliott, 22, told reporters Sunday.

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"It just creeps me out," Elliott said, adding that it was impossible to look at the sign and not think of her grandfather's incessant jokes about "grandma's hot new birthday suit"; adages like "you don't need to be skinny to go skinny-dipping"; or the large-print, sticky-noted copy of The Joy of Sex that's remained on their nightstand for the last 15 years.

"I just wish they'd take it down."

Far from the innocuous cottage joke many mistook it for, Elliott said that the sign was a trigger for several disturbing childhood memories, including the time she lay awake in horror in the children's bunkie, listening as her grandparents copulated on the dock only 20 feet away, their guttural, animal-like groans of pleasure the only thing audible in the dead of night.

There was also their so-called "birding expeditions," an excuse to turn their high-powered binoculars towards unsuspecting, nude sunbathers, a kind of voyeuristic foreplay that preluded hours of savage lovemaking in the woods.

At press time, Elliott had retreated to the children's bunkie with headphones on as her grandparents made their way to the dock to "disrobe and fornicate in the moonlight."

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