Comic genius wields lightsaber as if giant penis

BARRIE, ON—Delighting friends and onlookers with the side-splitting improvisational scene, comic genius Kyle Marchand, 23, wielded a Mace Windu extendable lightsaber this morning as if it were his giant penis.

"The force is strong with me," the comedy virtuoso reportedly said from a local Canadian Tire, hilariously implying that the mythical power of the Star Wars universe was what endowed him with a purple, glowing three-foot phallus.

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"Do you feel its strength," Marchand continued, not missing a single beat, as he caressed his friend Derek's cheek with the tip of the lightsaber, eliciting gleeful shrieks from his impromptu audience.

Then, turning the already brilliant scene on its head, the master of mirth reportedly shifted his lightsaber-penis towards a plush Darth Vader pillow on a nearby shelf. "But even my power is no match for the dark side," Marchand bellowed, before simulating raucous sex with the Sith Lord, sending his friends into spasms of laughter.

Sources reported that Marchand was later asked to leave the store after donning a Jar Jar Binks mask and holding two Death Star piñatas up to his chest in imitation of women's breasts while screaming, "Meesa horny Gungan, Ani."

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