BBC cancels Planet Earth due to impending end of planet earth
LONDON, UK–Planet Earth III, the much-anticipated sequel to the 2006 series Planet Earth II, was recently released to widespread acclaim by television critics and marijuana enthusiasts.
Garnering 12.26 million viewers in the UK, the highest ever for a nature documentary, Planet Earth II utilized new technologies such as ultra-high definition, camera stabilization, and aerial drones to provide viewers with stunning shots of animals that will soon be extinct.
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Many fans have speculated what the next installation of the Planet Earth series might look like, but were dismayed to discover this morning that the BBC has canceled all plans to film a second sequel.
"In the wake of Trump's election, Brexit, and the continued existence of the Kardashians," Nigel Basilthorne, Head of Programming at the BBC, declared in a drunken late-night tweet, "what's the bloody point?"
Basilthorne added: "If these Brexit wankers are upset about immigration now, imagine the conniption they'll have when the earth is ninety percent underwater."
I'm not a gambling man, but Mars is looking rather inviting at the moment.- Nigel Basilthorne, Head of Programming at the BBC
In a more carefully worded statement to the press, the British Broadcasting Corporation confirmed the cancellation and explained their rationale.
"We here at the BBC feel that, given the current climate, pun most certainly intended, it would simply be a poor use of resources to gather crew and equipment and develop new technologies to film a planet that is not likely to exist for much longer. All things considered, it would be much more prudent to spend the money on sunscreen and flotation devices."
With Trump's recent appointment of Scott Pruitt, a well-known climate-change denier, as head of the EPA, his pledge to withdraw from the Paris Agreement, as well as mounting evidence that the new president-elect is a Russian agent, oddsmakers at Ladbrokes, the London-based betting house, have increased the chances of imminent and total planetary destruction to an alarming 3/1.
"I'm not a gambling man," Basilthorne sighed, "but Mars is looking rather inviting at the moment."
Sir David Attenborough, whose comforting voice has narrated the ruination of the world for the last sixty years, added his sober commentary:
"In the ten years since we filmed the first series, there have been major advances in climate science. With faster computer simulations, more accurate observations, and an improved understanding of the earth's inner workings we can see more clearly than ever how humanity is buggering itself."
"And yet," the British naturalist lamented, "Despite the preponderance of incontrovertible evidence, politicians continue to stick their heads in the sand."
"Luckily for them, given the rate at which the earth's deserts are expanding, there will be no shortage of sand."
Attenborough is preparing to start his next assignment, narrating the upcoming documentary series We're All F*cked.
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