Amazon buys Whole Foods for $13 billion in cheapest Whole Foods purchase ever
AUSTIN, TX—Not that bad really, compared to a cranberry-quinoa-avocado sprouted salad.
In perhaps the largest business transaction of 2017 thus far, online retail giant Amazon has purchased health food market Whole Foods, though this still managed to be the least anyone has ever paid at a Whole Foods.
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"We feel we got off pretty light, considering," says Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos. "Last time I went to one, it was because my wife had asked me to pick up some freeze-dried strawberries."
"30 minutes and $15.1 billion dollars later, we were enjoying a delicious treat. Love Whole Foods. Happy to bring them into the family."
Regular Whole Foods customer Patti Hansen, who spends $84.2 billion per week on her family's groceries, says she hopes not too much changes.
"If they can make things just a little bit more efficient, that will work for me. Sometimes I think the layout could be a bit better, and I bet a company like Amazon could really work some wonders on that."
"As long as they don't touch my double-organic Sonoma-grown Concord grapes!" laughed Hansen, who frequently enjoys the $429,000/lb grapes as a weekend treat, sometimes combining them with bananas to make homemade ice cream in an ice cream maker that cost $65.4 billion but is "worth its weight in gold!" despite costing much more than its own weight in gold would cost.
At press time, Amazon reportedly had wanted to buy Whole Foods and some nice sourdough bread to take home but couldn't swing it as they didn't have enough cash on them at the time.
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