Allergic to cats, Steve Bannon looks for something else to pet ominously

WASHINGTON, D.C.—As chief strategist for the Trump administration, Steve Bannon is well aware of his controversial reputation.

"The fake news media tries to paint me as some kind of super villain, pulling the president's strings," chuckled Bannon. "But I'm really just a regular guy, trying to do my job. I'm like anyone else."

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In fact, despite the high profile nature of his work, Bannon feels his day-to-day life is actually quite mundane.

"Honestly, my life is not very exciting," explained Bannon. "I stress about my bills, what I'm going to have for lunch, if I remembered to fill up my car. Normal stuff like that. In fact, the thing that's really been bothering me lately is my damn cat allergy!  Ha! How boring is that? Like I said, I'm a very normal guy, not some heinous super villain."

An allergic reaction seems relatively innocuous, but Bannon is especially frustrated by it.

"When I got the job, I looked into adopting a cat," said Bannon. "For one thing, they're the perfect pet if you work unpredictable, long hours. And also, they're the ideal animal to pet ominously as you stand in the shadows while you attempt to slowly but surely transform the country into a dystopian, Putin-backed autocracy.  So, as you can imagine, it was really frustrating to start sniffing and sneezing the second I picked up a kitten."

Bannon isn't throwing in the towel yet, however, as he has a few alternate pets in mind.

"I've come up with a list of subtly disquieting pets that I'm hoping could work," he offered. "I'm thinking I could probably pull off ominously stroking a ferret?  The only thing is, I hear they smell like pee. I'm also considering a gerbil, but they might not have quite that particular je ne sais quoi I'm looking for. I'll find something, I'm sure."

"Now, if you'll excuse me, I must go," he apologized. "An unmarked black chopper is waiting to take me to my lair, and I've got some cackling to do. Great to chat."

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