A list of key differences between cat people and dog people!

It's one of life's most enduring divides: Cat People versus Dog People! Which type is better? Which type is worse? And, what are the major differences between these two crazy characters?!

1. Their heads

I've gotta get this one out of the way right off the top because it's just so super-obvious. Cat People have the adorable, inquisitive furry head of a common household tabby, and then are just extremely human from the neck down, whereas Dog People have human heads and then the taut, anxious torso of an Italian Greyhound. Can't believe I have to spell this out, even though this is my article and I alone made that decision.

Moving on.

2. Dog People are more loyal

That's because every Solstice, under the blessed cover of night, all the Dog People quietly leave their beds and begin the long pilgrimage up to the Arctic Circle where they gather around their leader, The Man-Dog Lord. "How's it going?" this enormous hybrid creature might bark at them, anxious to hear if society has accepted them yet. It hasn't. Cat People have no such leader.

3. Cat People can't be trained

Once, out of pity, I secretly harboured a Cat Person in my apartment for a period of six months after she showed up on my front steps, meowed at me, and then shook my hand with her, again, startlingly human hand. I tried for that entire time to teach her how to use the toilet, make us coffee in the morning, take out the recycling. Nope. She just lazed about in a patch of sunlight and practiced the Macarena for hours each day.

4. Eating habits!

Because they have a cat nose and cat eyes, Cat People think they want cat food, and will become visibly excited by it. However, their human digestive tract rejects it immediately. So what you'll often see is a Cat Person freaking out with joy over a bag of Meow Mix, eating some, and then rage-barfing immediately and giving you the finger.

By contrast, Dog People have the opposite problem. "Yeah, I'll take the Shanghai stir-fry," they'll command out of their human brains and mouths. But once they start eating, their dog systems become challenged and confused. They can eat a Shanghai stir-fry, just, their facial expressions suggest their bodies don't quite know how to process it. Literally!

5. Ways of showing affection

Cat People will jump up on the bed and lick you with their little sandpaper tongues while they give you a supremely effective back massage. Dog People will curl up in your lap and say, "Hey, you're alright, you know that?" We all have our quirky ways of showing love!

What do you think? Which of these two horrifying abominations do you most align with?!

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